Between Goodbyes - Documentary

This documentary was recommended by another adoptee and here I am recommending it, too.  It follows a Korean adoptee, in her reunion experience with her biological family. It explores cultural beliefs, differences, grief and healing 

While I myself am a Chinese adoptee, the adoptee journey can be learned from in many aspects. Watching this documentary brought up many emotions, thoughts, future wishes and questions. I recommend it with the appropriate support and patience. 

When I watched this documentary I cried for various reasons that have taken processing on my part. I recognize that this documentary is of a topic close to my heart. However, it is more than that. It depicts a dream I have - to be in a reunion. I understand that any reunion is not rainbows and butterflies, as the movies would have you believe. Instead it can be overwhelming, trying and require more from you than one can give at any given time. In many cases there are language barriers and cultural differences to adapt to. Also one must bear in mind that they are not the only one in the relationship with needs, expectations, experiences of trauma and emotions. Though this does not diminish the relevance of their own needs. 

After watching this documentary (and before if I'm honest) I find myself thinking more and more about my story and how it started. What were the circumstances of my birth? Was I held and loved by my parents when I was born? Did my family name me? Was I with my family for the approximate two months before going to the orphanage, or, was I somewhere entirely different?  

The cascading questions run rampant in my mind and I often think how desperate I am for even one answer. I can't explain in words how special it would be to sit and have a conversation with my birth mother. 

I am struggling with the fact that I have begun describing this dream and extenuating desires as ‘desperate’, it makes me incredibly sad. I feel heavy using the term desirete because I simultaneously have a feeling that my biological parents are dead and I may never have answers. Going off of educated guesses and research of the times, my family was most likely poor, malnourished, working hard labor jobs, limited healthcare and short on resources. This being said I hold the belief that I am among the oldest living generation of my biological line. This doesn't stop me from wanting to know my biological parents. 

I have always been of the mind to not have an elaborate ceremony for life events. I find peace in small intimate gatherings and relaxed environments. However, watching the Korean wedding in the documentary makes me want to represent my biological family in my own life events. I feel like recognizing my lineage offers a sense of peace in that I am choosing my own identity in a journey where I have had little control. If one day I am fortunate and meet my biological relatives, it would be nice to tell them I never forgot. I want to hold my family, biological family and my chosen family close to my heart. The magic is in how I choose to honor all of my people.