Got Siblings?

I saw a video recently about an adoptee who is in reunion with her biological family including siblings. She explained that the song The Exit (Conan Grey) describes her feelings of being the adopted child amongst her biological kept siblings. Kept siblings being children of a biological family that were raised inside the family of origins.

Feels like we had matching wounds

But mine's still black and bruised

And yours is perfectly fine now

Feels like we buried alive

Something that never died

So, God, it hurt when I found out

- Conan Grey

Obviously, I have been thinking about siblings recently. Many know about my family's joke that my imaginary sister, Kelly, is purrfect and can do no wrong. It's funny in context - I promise. 

In reality, I more than likely have biological Chinese siblings. Likely older and/ or younger sisters and a younger brother. I have written a letter to my siblings with questions about their lives and stories from mine. It ends with me asking if they can be proud of a non negative sister or if I'm one more foreigner to placate. Signed, a far away sister. This letter remains unsent as ink on a page, waiting to be read. 

I know if I meet my siblings our relationship will not be one of those raised together. However, as I have come into adulthood and seen firsthand human mortality, I understand more of what makes a good life and a peaceful death. I also have come to understand that siblings have one another in planning end of life memorials for their elders. They don't shoulder their grief alone. I however, am an only child and will inevitably make all plans myself. This is not to say that my community won't be there in support, only that I have to make the decisions. 

I like to think it would be fascinating to meet my siblings one day. I could be open minded, accepting, curious and have some level of devotion with these people related to me.  

However, in reality, I think I may struggle with the realization that some of my siblings are ‘kept siblings’. I feel like I would deeply question my inadequacies, identity, self-worth and much more. Our lives are no doubt different in every way. We can never go back or undo the policies that divided a country, households and my own family.

This separation is no one's fault, I just think I would have thoughts along the lines of what I did wrong to not be worthy of keeping - where my siblings did right and were then kept in my place. 

The answer here is nothing. 

My family did nothing wrong. 

I did nothing wrong.