Recently, I attended CAC for the second annual Chinese adoptee conference in Philadelphia. I made many memories and continue to learn how to hold my own story (and always have).

The theme was Family, first, found, future. Attendees were invited to place a pin on a map of China in the place where they felt most connected, most were at the province of their origins. Then in the surrounding areas we added first baby photos of ourselves or with our families.

In a smaller group of adoptees that I have become close with, someone had the idea to take a group picture holding our baby photos. It struck a cord in me. I find myself wanting to unpack this photo in particular, so here I sit with a keyboard and a page.

I'm not sure who said it but it rings true that it is hard to please everyone when your youngest self wants love, your teenage self seeks revenge and your adult self craves peace. Somehow, looking at both pictures I can see why baby Abby wants love because she lacked a consistent primary attachment for longer than any child should. Teenage Abby wants to be accepted and is enraged that she never was. Now, adult Anhui wants to be content and at peace in herself - regardless of the challenges she faces.

Thinking about it now, the significance of my baby photo in the hands of my adult self may stem from hearing how friends look like their mother, father or extended family members. While not having any semblance of biological mirroring in my immediate and extended family. This being said, looking at a picture of myself from nearly 28 years past, I finally see what it may be like to look similar to a relative, even if the illusion is looking at myself. This fascinates me to see the contrasting people together and the same. Looking at the group photo we each resemble our Chinese baby selves to a shocking degree. I think the overall idea is just how much this little girl has lived through and subsequently changed because of the experiences, yet has also stayed exactly the same.

It makes me sad to think of the inferiority, racism, judgements, comparisons, assumptions and many other adversities that little Abby had to face even before the age of 5. My family loves me and never intentionally perpetuated these challenges. However, at the time I also did not have the language to communicate these large concepts I was facing when they were not in the room. Because of this, I have stood in rooms filled with love and care - but felt utterly alone. I know many adoptees have felt this way, too.

Only recently, with maturity and new adoptee lead studies coming to light, have my family and I begun to unpack these conversations and the subsequent emotions. I have tried to explain it as a construct being that the person they see in me, is not the one who the world sees. Their world is not my world - despite being raised as if it was.

1st Orpanage photo, aprox 3 - 6 months (1997)

How far the little girl has had to come to find love, belonging and acceptance of herself.

I am so proud of her character, values, grit and willingness to accept people who are different from herself. I promise her, to always value the stories her eyes can tell that are echoed only by the ones she will never know.

Not So Little

Chà Jí (Poem)