Covid
This following “document” was a school assignment but I am proud of the record that I made. I figured I would continue to periodically update the journal in order to have something to review and share. These thoughts are authentic to their time of writing. Each entry is only a part of a bigger story. Similarly, my view and opinion is only a sliver of the worlds history.
Did you say “Pandemic in the 21st century”
As told by a 22 year old healthcare provider
3-22-20,
Background on the Covid - 19 up to this point. The epidemic continues to limit activities and opportunities. Covid - 19 has caused the nation to be declared as “in a state of emergency” by top officials, has caused a shelter in place order state wide, caused airlines to limit and cancel flights, caused businesses to close and so many other things. The world today is in chaos and every hour it seems there is a new standard.
Most of today’s was spent sleeping and packing. As I work on an immunosuppressed floor of Mayo Clinic I am going to stay at a hotel for a few weeks so dad can come home. Mom will quarantine with him. Dad is flying internationally from Fiji and will do better quarentiening in the apartment. I really worry about my patient population. My mother and I have been bleaching everything so that I don't unknowingly expose my patients to Covid - 19.
It's an interesting thing to work on an immunosuppressed floor of the hospital. I keep telling myself that this would make an interesting dystopian type story. Then I watch the news or go to the store and see the empty medicine shelfs. It is most certainly a once in a life event. An epidemic that sends the world into what I am calling red light panic mode. Yes, in some ways I wish I could join the vast majority of society in staying home but I like going to work. It's definitely an interesting thing to be considered one of the essential workers at the age of 22.
My daily routine was definitely changed. I understood that there was a Covid - 19 infection going around but I personally didn't think much until things started closing a little over a week ago. Twelve days ago I was studying in a coffee shop after work. I would brush hands with the barista and think nothing of it. I would hug my friends and hi-five people if we were celebrating. I would often trade objects in my day to day life without a second thought. For example, I would go from handling my phone to money at the store or from opening the door of my house to hugging my family.
Today, I can't go see my neighbor or be within 6 feet of her because she has multiple kids moving home from around the country. This also means that my mom can't see her friends for fear she will bring something home to me and I in turn will take it to work with immunosuppressed patients. Today I cross the street if someone is walking towards me on the same sidewalk, I can't stand in lines at checkout, I don't go to the gym, I don't touch doorknobs if I don't have too and I could go on. I think the hardest part of Covid - 19 for me personally is the fact that I can be a non symptomatic carrier. I'm so carfel now not to bring anything into the hospital or to my patients.
Work wise things have also changed significantly in the past week. The most stark being visitor screening. Every visitor fills out a form saying they don't have a fever or respiratory issues. This lasted about a week. Patients were also restricted to two visitors at a time. However, it has now changed in the last few hours. Mayo has declared no hospital visitors unless the patient meets special criteria. Extreme criteria being things such as end of life care and other special circumstances.
3-23-20,
I'm sitting at work writing this entry. I reread yesterday's thoughts and It is all still true.
We have heard new regulations and reports in regards to Covid - 19 and testing. Now, for work I have to take my temperature before reporting to my work unit. Mentally I'm tired. Every day I get up and go to work, store, home and repeat. This is making me even more lethargic because there is no variety in my days. I'm doing my best to keep depression symptoms at bay and I'm hypervirulent for my known symptoms. This would be a terrible time to start that slide.
Just a few minutes ago I was talking to a coworker and she seemed surprised at my response when she asked me if I knew the latest news regarding covid - 19. I said I did not know the latest and when she raised an eyebrow I explained further. I explained that I believe in being informed but not in obsessing or absorbing news 24/7. To meet this balance I pick a reputable source for my information and check it periodically throughout my day, the rest I try to leave in the background. This I think is helping me to stay saying and present in my life beyond the coronavirus. I understand why people need to know the latest news. What I don't understand is why they seem surprised when I don't have the same need.
3-28-20,
The newest development is that last night I had an itch in my throat at work. I woke up this morning with a sore throat and a clogged nostril. I called the Occupational Health Service line and they told me to call off work for the day. They wanted me tested before returning to patient care. The testing entailed a drive through system at the north west clinic.The nursing staff come to the car and you roll down your window. There is a fuzzy stick stuck up your nose, it is swiveled around and yanked unceremoniously back out again. The swab itself only took a second. It was an interesting sensation, not a good one. First, It felt like the swab touched my brain, then my eye started watering and then started twitching. It's a strange thing to say “I can't itch my brain!”
3-29-20,
I'm negative. I can go to work today. In some ways I wanted to have Covid 19 because I would get the antibodies and could stop being so paranoid. But I also like being able to go to work during this time of Stay at Home Order. Now, I am hopped up on cold and flu meds and at work hydrating like a camel in the Sahara desert. Picture me running to the bathroom in between hydration sessions.
4-2-20,
I like to reflect on each month at its end. There is a section in my calendar book especially for these thoughts. I discuss what was happening, what went well, if I set goals for the month I acknowledge the growth towards them and I decide what to continue or conclude in the following month. Today was when I found some time to reflect on March. March was a mess. I met few goals because of the shutdown of society. However, I also had a personal goal in March to be grateful. I wrote letters to people in my life every other day in order to do a gratitude log of sorts. I am now realising that this was the goal I met. Being grateful when according to society there is little to be grateful for in this time of crisis. I have also been getting personal cards from friends and family thanking me for working during the Covid - 19 pandemic. This is something new in the last week. It is nice to be recognised but I am a caregiver and would work regardless.
In the healthcare world Mayo as of April first it is required that staff wear masks when at work. This is going to be interesting in itself. I'll have to figure out a strap system because the loops behind my ears displace my glasses and give me rope burn. I have considered clipping the mask to my hair in order to not need the loops. I have also considered attaching longer strings to the masks so I can still have the elastic to pull it off and get a drink easily but I could tie the mask on behind my head instead of my ears. It will be a frankenstein thing for sure.
Another world of medical development is that in the state of NY if your heart stops you must be resuscitated in the field. You can only be brought to the hospital if you are already resuscitated. This is because of resource strain in NY caused by the influx of Covid - 19 patients.What a terrifying thought. How did this become reality?
In other news headlines there was a choir that had a rehearsal. They took precautions and made the group gathering optional. Of the roughly 100 members about 60 attended the practice. They practiced hand hygiene and distancing. However, of the 60 attendees 40 people tested positive and two have reportedly died thus far.
I am finding that having a routine with a shift work job is difficult let alone having a routine in the Covid - 19 world where I can not do anything other than go to work or the store. Thus far my sanity is intact only because I limit my intake of news and keep up with art projects.
4-10-20
I have been wondering about younger generations. What are they thinking of all of this? I took a phycology course last semester and am flashing back to the development unit. Something I have reflected on is the fact that however old a person is at the time of an experience they will later remember it through the eyes of their younger selves. For example, my eight year old cousin views the headlines through a child's eyes. However, in 20 years when she looks back she may form opinions from this mature age but she will always see the Covid events from the eyes of her eight year old eyes.
This abstract thought process has me feeling poetic. Here are original poems about my thoughts and worries through the ages.
Who I Was
I was young
I dreamed of being a fairy princess
My worries were few
I grew some
I was a child
I dreamed of being a vet
My worries were what doll was lighter
I grew some
I was a tween
I dreamed of being a writer
My worries were standardized testing
I grew some
I was a teen
I dreamed of being a highschool grad
My worries were how to adult in this wild world
I grew some
I was a young adult
I dreamed of being a difference maker
My worries were how to adult in this wild world
I grew some
Today I am me
I dream of being content in my life decisions
My worries are how will my community repair after covid - 19
I am still growing
Echo
It is a time of doubt
One that has only question and few answers
Many insecurities born of fear
edging their way into life
All society can do is wait in isolation
Slow at first only precautionary measures
Wash your hands
Don't gather in large groups
Be aware of your surroundings
Then all at
once
Businesses close some go bankrupt
Nonessential work is stopped
Grocery stores remain open
Don't stand close to me
I want my full six feet
Hospitals are in flux
Life as we know changes by the hour
Another change the officalias have activated
Stay at home orders
Tomorrow is unknown - uncertain
Now towns feel empty
Now I live alone
Now is the age of zoom calling
Now I have questions
It is a time of doubt
One that has only question and few answers
Many insecurities born of fear
edging their way into life
I dread the echo as it carries with it only doubt
My dear reader let me ask you this one question
What do you dread more
the echo or the answer
4-01-20
I hit a wall. I got home from an evening shift (I get home around midnight) a few days ago and started balling. Not sure why, not really wanting to or expecting to. But I kinda felt better after I was done. Looking back I think it was a frustration and anxiety coping mechanism. I'm not a cryer; I'm a bury it deep and suck it up kind of person. Covid made me cry, now that's a statement.
I have also made a general decision to move out of my family apartment because I'm not really home now anyway. I have signed my own apartment lease and collect keys on June 1st. It is a weird time to have to go out into the world independent and all but at the same time I'm already basically out.
6-16-20
It's after I finished the semester but I felt an update was due for future Abby when she re-reads this or stumbles upon this writing in some ancient and forgotten vault many years later.
Covid is not the top headline anymore. People have gotten complacent and seem to have normalized this pandemic. However, the president (trump) still demines healthcare workers and denies the fact of covid…. He tells people that drinking household cleaners is a “cure” for killing the germs of the pandemic.
Now, the top headline(s) is based off of “I cant Breath” because a police officer murdered a Blackman by kneeling on his neck and not stopping when he said that he couldn't breath. It was discovered over 8 minutes later that the man was dead. But wait Covid is by no means eradicated, only taking a back seat. Covid may be old news but it is still a pandemic of the 21st century.
Through back to June 8th when you posted this heart breaker on facebook at 11pm.
*****
I have been thinking for a long time about if I should share this. I have also grappled with how to phrase what I am feeling. I decided that as a writer this might be best.
Truthfully, there are no words for the way I am feeling. However, right now there are many people who are voiceless. I need to speak from the heart for them.
I am overwhelmed and incredibly disheartened.
As a child I knew that some people were bad but I believed in justice and that good would always triumph. I believed this was the way the world worked. I saw humanity as a wonderful thing. When I lost this innocence I can not say exactly. I miss it.
I am disappointed that the world I grew up in has changed so drastically in ways that were unimaginable. When did this become reality?
I feel helpless in the face of the brutality that seems to be the only thing being talked about. When did violence and deceit become the only option? When will people of color not be seen as less? When will Muslim faith be respected by more than its community members? When will the LGBTQ+ community feel safe to walk this world as themselves?
I do not have any answers but many more questions.
My mind is boggled by the fact that everyone wants the exact same things.
We want to be heard.
We want to be valued.
We want to be equal.
We want to worship without prosecution.
We want peace.
We want our children safe, happy and healthy.
We want a loving and safe world.
Why can we not agree to these facts without first having death, rampaging, protests, looting and riots in the streets?
I am confused.
In a pandemic time humanity is already losing livelihoods and being forced to adapt to new circumstances. Some people even succumb to this monster we all call Covid. Why then are we adding to this turmoil? We are giving the circumstances power over us.
I am trying to stand by my values.
Yes - I believe we have issues to be discussed but now is not the ideal time to be drawing battle lines. Why are we risking more lives than have already been taken?
I'm grieving the loss of community and my faith in humanity seems to be harder to hold onto as I watch more people suffer needlessly.
I am cautiously optimistic that in the future my own children will not have to ever ask such questions. I am wanting so desperately to see a world where I can be confident. Where nothing terrible will happen on the daily to make me question how humanity has fallen.
My heart and prayers go out to everyone struggling with today's headlines and circumstances.
Please take care of yourself.
Please stay safe.
Please know that you are loved.
*****
Still I ask why and how has the world managed to crumble before our eyes?
By the way you moved into the Raymond June 1st.
01-29-21
Thought another update was due for future Abby’s vault discovery. Just to satisfy future Abby's feelings of curiosity and dread of the writing style.
Covid continues to be a constant concern. We have a vaccine now though. As a healthcare worker Mayo immunized me ahead of other populations.
It has been a hard start to the year at work because we had a long term patient death at the end of 2020. This was hard because the staff put so much work, effort and time into his recovery. We got to know the family as well over the coerce of the patients hospitalization. We were still processing this patient when 2 others died of various causes. In a span of (approx) 3 months we lost three patients. Yes, we work in a hospital but that doesn't mean that we are ready or expecting death. On the contrary, as healthcare workers we are trying to heal people. We are humans and it takes time to process regardless.
Simultaneously it has been difficult to meet our own social and mental needs because of covid precautions. We give as our job description and get limited return as we can not socialize widely outside of work. You can't pour from an empty cup, but it has also been harder to refill our own cups so to speak.
The world continues to boggle me. I was so excited that 2020 was ending because, like many others, I figured 2021 was bound to be better. There was little to no way it could be worse than 2020. Well, sorry - I was wrong.
So far the 2021 claim to fame is that Biden is president. However, it was an election that spiked outrage across the country. The USA capital was invaded and members of the government were forced to hide in secret bunkers. People died and many were injured. This is not the awful part. The kicker is that this violence was incited by the (then) president -trump. Trump publicly said that they should storm the capital and force a fair unbiased election….. He said this in response to losing the presidential election.
In other news, Ellie is home from college (not of her choosing). It will be nice to have her in town but I would rather her to be in NY doing what she wants with her life. When she told me that her family wanted her home for a semester (online classes) I said “you have my keys.” I know that she will need her hiding space that no one will barge into and demand things. Now, that she has her license she can come and go more easily. She can have cat time with Athena
